Fear or Loathing?

March 10th, 2005

Our team of top relationshipologists has created this questionnaire to help you understand why you are still with your boyfriend after three weeks, in this fickle new minellium filled with temptations, such as secretive “cyber-mating”, contraception available to twelve year old girls no-questions-asked, and Rohypnol (I drink this for breakfast and still manage to punch the lollipop lady on the way to work).
Anyway, brain scientists have identified two things which can sustain a long-term relationship.
So which category do you fall into?

FEAR OR LOATHING?
1) Most common phrase used in phonecalls
between you and your man:
a) I just dropped the phone.
b) Are you all right?
c) How about a takeaway
and a video?
2) Naked, he reminds you:
a) Of an earthbound Apollo
b) To take the rubbish out
c) Of Harvey Keitel
3) Are you cheating on him?
a) Not exactly
b) Yes, with my ex
c) Yes, with his brother
4) If he left you, what would you miss the most?
a) The sex
b) The point
c) The butler
5) On a long bus journey you would rather sit with:
a) Your dad
b) A common person sneezing into a tabloid
c) Your man
6) What does he owe you?
a) A rodeo burger
b) A hand job
c) An explanation
7) When you hug him, it is usually:
a) whilst shouting, “Are you coming up yet?” with a Grover-grin
b) like a wizened leprechaun hugs his gold
c) without letting your breasts touch him
SCORES
1) a:3 b:1 c:2 2) a:1 b:2 c:3 3) a:2 b:1 c:3 4) a:3 b:2 c:1 5) a:1 b:3 c:2 6) a:2 b:3 c:1 7) a:2 b:1 c:3
0-10: FEAR
The only thing that scares you more than the prospect of being dumped is the prospect of not being dumped. I read that in a Chinese Fortune Cookie. I had just shrunk to the size of a coffee bean. Boy, was it hot in there. I couldn’t stand it any longer. I bashed a hole in the golden crust with the butt of my gun, and climbed out. My god. I was surrounded by gooks. Luckily, I had [continued on page 6]
11-20: A healthy balance.
Things are pretty good apart from when you get his name wrong, and when he gets drunk and talks persistently about Nostradamus, and the faking of the moon landing. That night, you fake a moon landing. Across the street, a baby cries as you light your cigarette. What [continued on page 17]
21-30: LOATHING
He’s the guy you really do love to hate! A pale, whimpering, coffee-breathed reflection of your own dribbling inadequacy.