When I was four, I used to commission fact sheets from my dad requesting details such as hair colour, favourite food &c. My predilections and vital statistics were exciting, squeaky-new discoveries – and in later years, new bands and hair colours are wan substitutes. But it’s still fun for ages 9-99. If [...]
In Scotland I worked for some months in an IT department with a twinkly eyed little old man called Nairn. Every morning I would ask how his hands were doing, because he had a skin condition. His chapped hands would not have looked out of place hanging from a string in a Parisian [...]
I will admit (silently, to myself) when a topic is being discussed on which I am not qualified to comment. I will then deftly change the subject, and make no attempt at subsequent research.
I will shave off my scapegoatey beard and never offer unwarranted apologies to badgers. I will answer only to myself. I will [...]
All the best pubs and bars in Edinburgh begin with B. I’m not exaggerating. If Neil Innes did an episode of Puddle Lane about Edinburgh pubs, he would shuffle up and down the High Street frowning “Buh… buh…”. I’ve highlighted the extra good Bs.
The Bailie Bar
Bannermans – Banging live rock!
Basement Bar
The Barony
Belfry
Biblos
Bierex
Black [...]
What is an Iced Gem Detective? Is it a man in a deerstalker, holding a magnifying glass to the bosom of a girl in a wet t-shirt?
I’m in York. Everything is nice and small again. When it’s nearly Christmas I will go home to Mrs Rockets.
My CV tells me I was [...]
WOW
Words for Birds
This week in WOmb Wisdom magazine: Extended feature on the killing of Jamie Bulger. Free gift with this issue: a simulated cassette recording of the tragic tot’s screams.
Next week: The shocking story of little Katie, who was sexually abused by her rugged, Steve McQueen lookalike uncle. Also, we recount the ordeal [...]
Extract from borderline boiler J K Rowling’s exclusive interview with Jeremy Paxman.
JP: I’ve asked you eight times now. Why do people buy your books?
JK: I’ve captured the imaginations of young and old, and taken them for a ride. I mean, a magical journey.
Disclaimer: I wrote this a good two years before taking up with the current Mrs. This was the closest thing to bitter I had ever been – feeling 42, acting 17. I have no cause to think like this no more, but I’ve kept it here for posteriority.
Never get involved with anyone whom [...]
Dionne’s Healthy Responses to Negative Energisation
Lachrymose or bellicose behavioral choices actually promote negative energisation, and these all-too-common response modes are not only unsightly, but alienating and distressing for the guy who fucked your girlfriend. The best way to handle feelings of gut-wrenching anguish, bile-spewing rage or even just everyday weltschmerz can be followed in [...]
Where does inspiration come in boxes?
a) Boots Pharmacy
b) Ceramic Tile Warehouse
c) Leith Mortuary
If you answered b), then you could be a potential champion of the advert game. Suitable for ages 9 to 99. That’s and, not to. Whilst getting brainwashed by “messages”, affect mental skill and agility by screeching like Pavlov’s consumer monkeys. MB [...]